Liberal Beliefs

• We believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.
• We are against capital punishment but for abortion on demand - in short, we support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.
• We believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read, is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
• We believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.
• We believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.
• We believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
• We believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.
• We believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
• We believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty, visionist activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
• We believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
• We believe there was no art before federal funding.
• We believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
• We believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels, can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
• We believe the NRA is bad, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.
• We believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.
• We believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
• We believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
• We believe second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.
• We believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Rosie O'Donnell is brilliant.
• We believe conservatives are racists but that black people couldn't make it without our help.
• We believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
• We think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a reduced sentence in a "correctional" institution.
• We think that "dumbing down" American's school kids is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited".
• We think people need to be punished for good choices and rewarded for bad ones (i.e., paying women more money for each child they have out of wedlock -- or paying kids $5.75 hr. to go to summer school because they're failing).
• We think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are "written in stone".
• We believe the NRA helps criminals while the ACLU protects the innocent.
• We believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed.
• We think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
• We view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
• We think guns come to life in the middle of the night and shoot people.
• We think if guns are outlawed, that will be the end of murder.
• We think that the only acceptable hate crime is Christian bashing.
• We are intellectually stimulated listening to Maxine Waters.
• We think Congress isn't doing its job if it isn't passing 4000 new laws every year.
• We think America's Tobacco, Gun & Liquor businesses should be litigated out of business, because that leaves a "really big" market for foreign-owned businesses.
• We believe "from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs"
• We believe ends justify means